The Summer Season: Part 1

August 10, 2009

The Summer Season

Every year I say never again, but every year I do it. I think it is tradition and I would miss it if I did not do it. I tell myself that things will be different this year. They aren’t. You would have thought that theatre owners, councils and hoteliers would see their declining revenues and done something about them, but alas they don’t. Council venues don’t give a fuck with the employees doing just enough to not get sacked, not that councils ever sack anybody!

In my book JIM DAVIDSON OBE I pointed out the heart break of touring in the U K. It gets no better……

We start our adventure in Great Yarmouth

The trip up from Hampshire was a lovely affair of 5 hours 20 minutes. Why are there so many road works with nobody working on them?

It was good to see the old place again

The venue is the Britannia Pier theatre. The Grain Silo as Its known, because of its shape. It’s well run by the Threadwell family. They’re great and turned my old pier, The Wellington, into something really spectacular. Why is it that some people care and others don’t give a toss?

The hotel is owned by Rodney Scott and is run by his family. It’s not the Savoy but it’s the best in Yarmouth….by miles!

Clive Cooper is the supporting comedian. Clive is heavily featured in my last book but is now 21 stone and growing. He even has sandwiches in his car in case he doesn’t get to a cafe in time.

The gig is busy and we both go well .Back to the hotel, where Clive eats 2 plates of sandwiches and then drifts off to get a hamburger along the seafront!

Up at eight and drive to Bridlington. I’ve never been here before and I’m looking forward to it

What a place!!

Well I’m not being fair. It’s not that good. It has its good points but I couldn’t find any

The theatre was tremendous and the staff efficient and charming, but outside it was full of young fat birds pushing prams, and tons of seemingly non disabled people in wheelchairs and those annoying little buggy things

We all went to find some food. After sending our food back twice we called it a day and beat a safe retreat into the oasis that was the theatre

Outside the theatre was a boating lake with sad people paying to drive round it in little wooden motor boats. It reminded me of those adverts for Butlins in the 50’s it is sad and upsetting that this is the best on offer for the British holiday maker.

The show was great and Wanda the cat (she was in Dick Whittington with me) came to visit

We all fell into the best Chinese restaurant in the north (opposite the front of the theatre) and got to sleep in our unspeakable hotel at midnight (Clive….3 o’clock)

So I was wrong Bridlington’s great!! Better than Vegas

Skegness next

I’ve always stayed at the Vine Hotel in Skeggie

Never a- fucking- gain

Again it’s run by people who treat you as if you are one of their mates. They expect you to have the same tastes and values as them.

I sent lunch back twice and the breakfast was cold and cheap

Did I get a sorry? No chance, I got a woman’s version of sorry .You know the one that sounds like go fuck yourself.

Anyway I got to meet up with my oldest friend Ronnie Lee who lives in Boston. Poor Bastard! So all was not crap.

Had to go and get a takeaway meal because there was no food at the hotel after 11 o’clock

These people should be ashamed of themselves!

The drive to Clacton on sea …Essex was uneventful and we tried to spot some military aircraft as we drove past several R A F bases …..not a one in sight!

Steve the tour manager in his normal fashion has told us the wrong venue in Clacton. We eventually turn up at the right one, the Town Hall.

Me and Goose(security…see G I security on the net) bump into the man who runs the place , a nice bloke who says welcome and gets us a car parking sticker. As he’s doing this I look at the front of the building and I see there are no posters up or anything that says I’m on here tonight . So to make sure I was appearing here I went inside the building and asked the receptionist if I was on. She didn’t know. How odd I thought. I checked again and found a little poster (under a big one of Joe Pasquale) .

When the bloke got back I asked him why there was nothing outside to say I was on. He pointed proudly at the poster, I told him that there should at least be a sign saying appearing to night. He pointed to some people waking passed and said something remarkable “ do you think these people have got 20 pounds to see you?” I couldn’t believe my ears. I told him that was an insult and walked away.

Thank god for Laura, the production manager. She got the stage set up and was very apologetic about things. She was excellent .

The venue has sold 20 tickets in two days so I went to the box office to see what was up It was shut ! The box office shut at 4 o’clock On the day of the show. How can this happen? I phoned the box office number on the poster and got a recorded message saying the box office shut at 4 30 no mention of who’s on or where you can get tickets…… shut!!!

When the box office opened at twenty to seven (7 30 Show) I asked the woman “where do people get tickets?”. She said in her good ol’ Essex helpful manner “you don’t need a ticket do yer?”

I really wanted to go home. I hated the place. It’s a shame because it could be such a good profitable venue. But it has been ruined by a small majority who know fuck all about the business and are counting on the council not to notice.

To top it all Clive couldn’t appear for personal reasons so I did both halves.

The audience were great and they knew all about the venue and it’s problems, don’t worry about that.

I did two hours as we all sat and sweated our bits off

I looked out for the bloke that runs the place after the show, but he had gone home at 5 o’clock….Hmmmm!